‘Golden Bachelorette’ recap: Kickball winners, losers and Gerry Turner

VENTURA, Calif. ― Hopefully, hardcore members of the World Kickball Federation took a pass on Wednesday’s “Golden Bachelorette.”
At Ventura College last summer, the contestants filmed a kickball tournament group date, featuring two teams from the senior men of the Bachelor House. We saw significant stretching sessions on the football field and warm-up drills, which featured the sportily attired Joan Vassos, 61, giving a squib kick.
There were flashes of impressive play with Mark, 57, making an over-the-shoulder catch and Gary L., 65, deftly jumping over a throw at his feet before striking a Heisman Trophy-style pose. But mostly, this kick play is just good for yuks.
“You have to have fun, especially when you’re doing sports on this level,” Gary tells USA TODAY. “Once you get to the age I am, it’s got to be fun.”
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Here’s what else happened in “Golden Bachelorette” Episode 3, which features the return of Gerry Turner and a brief appearance by Wayne Newton, thank you very much.
Spoiler alert: Stop reading if you don’t want to know this week’s result of Joan’s journey, and watch the episode on Hulu.
Let’s roll through the enthusiastic on-field talent in the three-inning kickball tournament, inexplicably coached by NFL greats Andre Reed and Eric Dickerson. And a special shout-out to flip-flop-loving retired university president Gregg, 64, who slid into third base headfirst so hard that Pete “Charlie Hustle” Rose is still smiling if heaven gets Hulu. Gregg sports a nasty leg raspberry to prove his valor. He doesn’t even ask for Neosporin.
And big love to first-time-kickballer Charles L., 66, who doinks a key two-out hit to knock in a pivotal run. It’s a dribbler, but Charles books it down the line to beat the throw. The Blue Team lifts beaming hero Charles in victory, earning a (post-showers) team date with Joan.
The losers, aside from the once-honorable game, include Mark. The “Hot Dad” was not a booting powerhouse and plain stopped running down the first baseline in one play. You don’t settle for hugs with the opposing first baseman in kickball, Mark!
“Mark has given out more hugs than hits in this game,” Jesse Palmer tells Joan from the announcing table.
Plugs for rolled oats mark another loser. We get sponsorship. But there are soooo many mentions, and one too many loving camera pans of field-side instant oatmeal boxes. Palmer’s on-camera noshing and raving about the oatmeal is the final straw.
Someone, please explain the appeal of Paris-born salon owner Pascal, 69 ― besides his great looks, wildly impressive physique, supreme suaveness and that French accent. Joan is sure falling for it. But Pascal is, by his own account, seriously high maintenance. He doesn’t cook, proudly mooches off everyone’s meals, doesn’t clean and pays Gregg to do his laundry.
Enchanting, yes. But not a long-term prospect for Joan. Still, the gallant Pascal gets the plum Joan date that starts with a Ferrari ride. “I’m a very bad passenger,” Pascal grumbles when he finds out that Joan is driving (another red flag!). A private jet sets out for Vegas, where the couple frolics in a suite at the Paris Las Vegas.
Las Vegas legend Wayne Newton, 82, makes a startling cameo, first knocking, then popping his head of deep black hair through the door. Pascal looks rightfully surprised, no doubt pondering big questions: Is that the real Wayne Newton? How did Wayne Newton or this impersonator get the key to my hotel suite? Why doesn’t Wayne Newton call from the lobby?
After a jolt, “Mr. Las Vegas” settles in and croons his groovy classic “Danke Schoën.” The evening ends with a big kiss. By the way, Pascal, nobody needs to know it’s a “French kiss,” as you gauchely point out. It is very clear.
Joan, bless her sweet heart, might be the only person really excited to see “Golden Bachelor” Gerry Turner step out of the limo on the “Golden Bachelorette.” But Joan’s in a mini-crisis about being ready for love and other dramas. And she still hearts Turner, who has experience in her situation. But asking the guy who got Golden Divorced after 100 days for reality show love advice is like asking Darth Vader for parenting tips.
And is Turner laying his own subtle-excuse groundwork? He asks Joan, “Have you considered the possibility that your guy is not here?” Just like his match was never there? Anyway, the meeting is over, hopefully for the season.
Joan pulled it together and dispatched three suitors in the rose ceremony.
Kim, 69, the retired Navy captain from Seattle: Beyond the spiffy uniform, he’s been a hit-and-miss candidate. His insistence on getting everyone to sing the Joan song he penned is really awkward. Everyone balks except one hearty soul. Joan’s dismissal is a strong and suitable review of the song. It is time. Kim gives a classy salute as he sails off.
Gregg, 64, the former university president, is gone. It’s not terribly surprising. But dang, to cut the guy as he’s still bleeding from the kickball slide to win your heart? That’s cold, Joan.
Charles K. (or C.K.), 62, a portfolio manager from Rancho Palos Verdes, California. A surprise, even if C.K. never really got the right time to shine.
It’s getting to crunch time with 10 suitors still in the running. Let’s see who stays in the rose running next week.